Saturday, April 10, 2010

Day 10: Patsy Cline said it best...

Well, I think I have officially driven everybody on and offline crazy.  I am obsessed.  I have become a crazed, foaming at the mouth, rabid advocate for everything and anything homeschool.  I'd like to blame this whole new world for infecting me with the sickness, that only those with this much fever for it are able to inject the same amount of fever, but no, it's nobody's fault but mine.  I don't know how to take it slow, I must know it all at once and I must be able to run before I'm ever out of the cradle of beginnings. 

Hello, my name is Denise and I am an addict to starting things.....

....and never finishing them.

Blogging the other day about my once extremely important, constantly talked about, support group joined yarn dyeing business (even the blogging of the business is an all too familiar chord) reminded me how far removed I was from my old obsession.  I went out with more of an old man fart than a bang and it was because I exhausted myself, I was tried of messing with yarn and having to be accountable to so many different people and for what, at the end of the day a illegal Mexican day labor makes more in an hour than I've made in a day.  HUH?  So after I finished the commitments that I had, I quit.  That was October 2008.  I've dyed 5 skeins of yarn since then- and most of them because I didn't have the money to buy yarn (or else I would have).

I want to say that I've changed, but once you get to the point where you become an addict, there is no going back, you can't just pick up something without the constant fear and drive that you might run away and not see it through, not find a way to make it work.  Hence, how I've made so many people in my life 'crazy' with this new-fangled-craze-of-the-day.

So, honestly, I'm scared.  Am I doing this to get my fix of starting something new?  I can't think that I am, even if in some way I am.  This isn't the hair off the back of some random sheep -it's my son.  And I understand I have to prove this, but through the constant thought of home school, I am finding it in me to do this.  I'm making myself look at the ugly truth that I can't give up, anymore than I could give up on parenting. 

I ask myself everyday, everyday since this idea was birthed through my lips to my husband...

Why do I want to do this? 

I want Logan to have what I never did: A chance to succeed. 

How can I give him that chance to succeed, if I am not responsible for his education?  How can I give him the chance if I place his security, his trust, and his capablities in the hands of a stranger?  How can I trust him to make the right choices, build a strong sense of character and have intregity if I do not lay down the first bricks of that foundation?  How do I teach him to protect himself and trust humanity with a healthy respect by forcing him into a random slice of the world for 35 hours a week?

I'm sorry, I can't trust the same system that spit me out with all my flaws, all of my lacking abilities, my mastery of being a jack of all trades, that left me too many inabilities to then expect it to do my son better than it did me. 

So, I may be crazy, but I'm trying not to be.  And thank you to all my friends, on and offline, for being here for me.

Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you!

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